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Stress-Free SexSex pleasure in woman...is a kind of magic spell; it demands complete abandon; if words or movements oppose the magic of caresses, the spell is broken. - Simone De Beauvoir
Recent scientific research supports Simone De Beauvoir's insightful words. Brain scans have shown that areas involved in emotion, specifically anxiety and fear, are shut-off during orgasm. By the same token, when a woman is anxious or fearful she may have difficulty reaching orgasm.
We often refer to the brain as the biggest sex organ in the body. The way we think about our sexuality and/or sexual experience will impact how our bodies respond. Our thought patterns can enhance sexual experiences, through fantasy or role-play, and they can also limit our sexual pleasure. If you're thinking about the laundry that needs to get done or the project at work that has been hanging over your head, your body will not be able to respond to sexual stimuli the way you want it to. A quick orgasm can help you relieve some stress if you are able to block out the unwanted chatter in your mind and allow the sensations from your body to take center stage.
Don't break the spell, abandon yourself to the magic of caresses and enjoy!
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Secrets of the Vulva Revealed: Resources You Can Use
As I sat down to write about the secrets of the vulva, I realized that anything I might write would be more useful if you had a good diagram of the vulva and it's associated structures. In an effort to keep Savvy Sex as user friendly as possible I decided not to clutter this issue with images, but rather point you in the direction of three great women's sexuality resources that I use with clients:
"For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality" by Lonnie Barbach
"The Clitoral Truth" by Rebecca Chalker
"A New View of a Woman's Body" by The Federation of Feminist Women's Health Centers
Know the Lay of the Land
Once you have a good grasp of female genital anatomy it's time to explore your own and/or your partner's vulva. Set aside some time with a hand mirror and a flashlight and look at your vulva. Start by identifying all of the external structures: the inner and outer labia, the clitoris and its hood, the vaginal opening and the anus. Vulvas are like snowflakes: every woman looks slightly different, so take some time to discover what makes you unique.
Draw A Sex Map
Now that you've identified all the parts that make up your vulva, it's time to discover where you are most sensitive. Begin by lightly stroking one area and decide if that particular stimulation is positive, neutral or negative. Does your experience change if the stroke goes up or down, light pressure or deeper pressure? Be sure to experiment with all the different structures that you've identified. What about inside the vagina, you might ask? Get some lube and insert a finger into your vagina, or have your partner do this, and feel around the top, bottom and sides. Where do you feel the most sensation? Does it feel good, bad or neutral? Once you are finished you will have a map to your sexual pleasure.
Follow Directions
Your sex map will guide you when you masturbate. It can help you search for an elusive orgasm, and you can share your newfound wisdom with a partner to get more of what you want during sex. Of course, some people find it difficult to talk to a partner about sex and even more difficult to give precise directions. Keep in mind that if you can talk about it before you have sex, you don't have to worry about how to direct your partner when you are both occupied with other exciting things. Drawing your sex map could be a fun form of foreplay, like a throwback to the "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" games of childhood.
The bottom line is, if you know your body and the stimulation you like and are able to communicate that to your partners, you will be much more likely to get the sex you want.
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Nine Habits of a Sex Goddess
A Sex Goddess takes responsibility for her own pleasure
The only person you can count on to give you sexual pleasure is yourself. Whether it's solo sex or sex with a partner, a sex goddess knows exactly what to do to get sexual satisfaction and how to communicate her needs to her partner.
A Sex Goddess asks for what she wants
A sex goddess is no shrinking violet; she doesn't shy away from asking for what she wants in the bedroom. She may use verbal or non-verbal cues. Either way she knows that to get the sex she wants she must point her partner in the right direction.
A Sex Goddess brings enthusiasm and playfulness to her sex life
Great sex can be serious business, but a sex goddess knows how to lighten the mood to have some fun. She's eager to explore her sexuality and is always on the lookout for things that will keep her sex life alive and ecstatic.
A Sex Goddess knows her limits and sets clear boundaries
A sex goddess knows what she likes, knows what she might be interested in trying, and knows what she is not willing to do sexually. She never makes a decision about her sexuality when she is under pressure. Instead she considers her sexual activities when she is level-headed and can decide which activity is a yes, a no, or a maybe.
A Sex Goddess is as comfortable saying "no" as she is saying "yes."
Other women may be sexual doormats, but a sex goddess…never! She only says yes when she really wants to do something, and she doesn't hesitate to say no when she's not in the mood. A sex goddess knows that the best sex is desired sex.
A Sex Goddess knows how to take care of her emotional needs
She knows the type of emotional experience she wants, whether the sexual relationship is casual, long-term or something in-between, and makes her sexual decisions based on that. Sex goddesses pay attention to their feelings before, during and after sex. When she's not getting her emotional needs met, she moves on.
A Sex Goddess celebrates her sexuality
Sex goddesses celebrate their sexuality in myriad ways. Erotic rituals, art, and sumptuous linens are all part of a sex goddess's repertoire. She creates a sensuous environment that invites sexual experiences that are healthy, fun and sometimes transcendent.
A Sex Goddess loves her body
Every sex goddess knows her body intimately. Some parts she likes and others she'd like to change, but she always views her body without shame or guilt. No matter what shape she is in, she knows that she has a right to sexual pleasure and enjoys it to the fullest.
A Sex Goddess respects herself and her sexual partners
Being a sex goddess is more than getting hot sex, you have to give as good as you get. She knows that the hottest sexual partner is one who is turned-on and eager to please. She learns about her partners' bodies by exploring, experimenting, and explicitly asking what feels good. The last thing a sex goddess is is selfish.
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This issue is packed with a lot of information. If you're feeling overwhelmed and would like some guidance, you may want to consider scheduling a session with Dr. Mark to discuss your concerns. I offer the following services in my San Francisco office and by phone:
If you're surfing the web, I encourage you to visit my website, www.drsueannmark.com, and vote in my newest sex survey on oral sex.
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Thanks for reading. I hope this issue has inspired you to make your sex life all you want it to be. Please feel free to forward this newsletter to friends that might be interested.
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Copyright 2005 Sueann Mark, Ph.D., All rights reserved
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