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Creating a Sexier YouGood lovers don’t just fall out of the sky. Most people have to put some effort into becoming a sexual god or goddess. Here a few tips on what you can do to attract new sexual partners and/or keep your current partner interested.
Get Regular Exercise: A healthy body can improve your sex life on many different levels. People who get regular exercise feel better about themselves and their bodies. A confident, happy person is very sexy. And men who have a healthy cardiovascular system are less likely to have erection problems.
Drink Plenty of Water: Being well hydrated gives your skin a healthy glow, making you much more attractive. Proper water intake also helps women lubricate better.
Don’t Smoke: Smoking adversely affects the cardiovascular system, impairing sexual function. It also leads to premature skin aging, bad breath and discolored teeth. None of which are too attractive.
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Eight Steps to Getting Laid
For those of you who are actively looking for new sexual partners, you will reach your goal much quicker if you have a plan. These eight steps provide a streamlined, focused route to meeting a new partner and closing the deal. You may not follow each step exactly, but using some of these strategies could mean the difference between a new sexual experience and a lonely Saturday night.
Even if you already have a partner, using these techniques can invigorate your sexual negotiations. Don’t become sexually lazy, even long-term couples need to put energy and intention into creating and maintaining a satisfying sex life.
Venue: You can increase your chances of finding a compatible new partner if you surround yourself with available people who share your interests. This could be a volunteer/civic organization, a local singles event, a recreational sports organization or even a cooking class. It doesn’t matter what you’re into as long as you are around like-minded people your chances of finding a match are greatly improved.
Eye Contact: Once you’ve found a good place to meet people and you’ve identified a potential partner, make eye contact. If your gaze is returned that’s your signal to approach. If your intended partner does not respond, move on to the next one.
Conversational Opener: You’ll never get to know someone if you don’t talk to them. After you’ve made eye contact, approach the person and introduce yourself. Don’t use pick-up lines, try to strike up a genuine conversation. If you are truly interested in getting to know this person it will show and if they are interested in you they will respond in kind.
Specific Location: If your conversation takes off, move to a more private location. This will cut down on distractions and allow you to get to know each other better.
Goal Clarification: Make clear through your conversation that you are interested in the possibility of getting physical if the feeling is mutual. If the person does not respond or redirects the conversation you can try a second time. If you don’t get a response on the second attempt it’s time to look for someone else to talk to.
Sexual Communication: This can be completely non-verbal. For instance, if you lean in close to talk or put your hand on your intended’s knee, watch for his/her reaction. If they move away, they aren’t interested. If they move closer you’ll know you’ve got a chance.
Specific Date: Once you’ve got someone interested make a specific date. Inviting them over for dinner is a great option because it will allow you the time, comfort and privacy to get sexual.
Planning the Main Event: Create a sensual atmosphere for your date. That can mean candles, music, incense or whatever you find sexy. The more effort and anticipation you put into the date the more exciting it will be once you are there.
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Navigating the Socio-Sexual Response Cycle
A good lover knows that sex is more than getting off, it’s an event that unfolds differently each time. Understanding each stage of the socio-sexual response cycle and where your strengths and weaknesses are can give you insight into your sexual experience and help you avoid roadblocks to pleasure.
Desire: How do you know you’re in the mood for sex? Do you have physical sensations? Do you get overwhelmed by sexy thoughts or fantasies? Or is it a vague stirring or feeling of unrest? Being able to recognize your desire will help you determine when, where, with whom and how you want to be sexual.
Consideration of Options: Once you know you are in a state of desire you need to decide what you want to do about it. You may choose to do nothing, act on your desire immediately, masturbate or make a date with the object of your desire.
Negotiation: If you’ve opted to act on your desire you need to negotiate with your partner about the experience. You’ll need to agree on when to have sex, where you want to do it and most importantly, what activities you want to engage in. For many people talking about what they like to do sexually can be a big turn-on. This is also the time to negotiate the safer sex methods/birth control options you will use. Getting all of this information out in the open now will allow you to relax and enjoy sex without having to worry about the details.
Excitement: Since anticipation can increase excitement this stage can begin before the first caress. What gets you sexually excited? Is it sensual touch, sexy talk, direct genital contact or fantasy? What sensations do you feel in your body and what is going through your mind? You may notice a change in your breathing, tingling sensations, vaginal lubrication or erection. Becoming familiar with how your body responds to different types of stimulation will open up new avenues to sexual pleasure.
Plateau: Excitement builds to plateau, where you are highly aroused and primed for orgasm. What is plateau like for you? Is it like a roller coaster ride where the intensity rises and falls then rises again or is plateau a direct line to orgasm? What kind of stimulation do you like during plateau? Do you like to delay orgasm and enjoy the plateau sensations for as long as possible? Knowing your plateau pattern, your preferred forms of stimulation and being able to recognize when you approach the peak of sexual tension can give you more control over the timing and quality of your orgasm.
Orgasm: When sexual tension reaches a peak, it is released in orgasm. You may experience intense pelvic contractions or a feeling of warmth washing over your entire body. Each person experiences orgasm differently and the quality of orgasm can vary depending on the situation. What is your experience of orgasm like? Do you moan or cry, does your body go limp, do your toes curl? Remember, your orgasm may not look or sound like the ones you see in porn because your experience of orgasm is uniquely yours. There is no one right way to have an orgasm. However you express it, enjoy it to the fullest.
What’s Next?: What do you do after sex? Do you roll over and fall asleep, cuddle or shower? Are you ready to go again immediately? If you’ve just had sex with a new partner are you ready to talk about a relationship or are you looking for the door? Do you feel bonded to your partner? What is it like for you to transition back into the real world from such an intimate activity? How will this sexual interaction affect your next sexual encounter? Your idea of what happens after sex may or may not match your partner’s. If it doesn’t, this is a great opportunity to practice your sexual negotiation skills.
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This issue is packed with a lot of information. If you're feeling overwhelmed and would like some guidance, you may want to consider scheduling a session with Dr. Mark to discuss your concerns. I offer the following services in my San Francisco office and by phone:
If you're surfing the web, I encourage you to visit my website, www.drsueannmark.com, and vote in my newest sex survey on oral sex.
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Thanks for reading. I hope this issue has inspired you to make your sex life all you want it to be. Please feel free to forward this newsletter to friends that might be interested.
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Copyright 2005 Sueann Mark, Ph.D., All rights reserved
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